There’s a smoker at my house now. I’ve never lived with a smoker before. An amazing outdoor appliance, it makes great chicken, asparagus and potatoes. I’m promised meals of bratwurst, salmon, and eggplant. When my housemate told me he’d ordered it, I was intrigued. Honestly, I’d not seen one, nor known anyone to have one. The fact that he invested in one I take as a sign that my housemate is settling in and intends to stay. He’s been here six weeks.
Life has changed. I no longer live alone. We’re settling into comfortable and companionable routines. And though I intend to keep my housemate’s identity anonymous, the fact that he is male is important. So many women tell me that they wouldn’t have a male housemate. I’m okay with it because men use homes differently than women do. My housemate has already taken on the traditional “manly” tasks such as lawn mowing and taking the garbage to the waste management place. He likes to fix things. He also likes to cook and does most of our food shopping.
Food
When I wrote my announcement, I included the info that I was looking for “a convivial relationship with occasional shared meals.” When we talked about living together, he said he would be happy with simply eating together. We eat together most evenings, unless I have another plan and am out of the house. He does most of the cooking and the shopping. He’s retired, so he has time.
I did declare at one point that I like my own cooking and that there would be times when I wanted to make my own meals, but so far it is easy to let him make dinner. I mean when I’m promised smoked salmon with smoked brussels sprouts, why would I say “no”?
Money
We have a joint bank account for household expenses. The only money that goes into the account is from him: his rent and his food contribution. I take out the rent minus my food contribution. We’re still in the first month of this arrangement but I think it works. We both have a debit card with which to buy food and other household goods and this way we don’t have to keep receipts and be otherwise figuring out the expenses. When we find a house cleaner, we’ll pay them out of the house account.
Routines
We’ve settled into a routine. I wake up early. He shows up two to four hours later. I’ll be at my desk which is in a one corner of the main big room. The kitchen area is catty-corner to my desk with internal chimney so my view of the kitchen is blocked. He makes coffee and sits in a comfortable chair in the living room area with his laptop. Initially, when I had a meeting, I would take my computer and perch uncomfortably in my future office with a bad chair and a table full of tools. But after he told me that he’s really not bothered and doesn’t even hear me in a Zoom meeting I stopped doing that. I do look forward to completing the office renovation and being able to move into it. (Very soon!)
Sometime mid-day he usually leaves – either to go shopping or to explore the area. He comes back between 4:30 and 6. We’ll visit, make, and eat dinner. Sometimes we go out to eat.
One very nice thing for me is that he really loves music. We seem to have evolved a pattern where after dinner he sits in his chair with his computer and finds music for us to listen to (he’s partial to the music of our youth). I either do my crossword puzzle at the table or sit on the couch and knit. I go to bed early.
Safety
This is a housemate relationship. We have independent lives outside of the house. When we had our first telephone conversation, I made sure that he understands that we have an “incest taboo.” (I wrote about this in one of our most popular posts.) His reaction assured me that he gets it.
Having him in the house creates comfort. I was a senior woman living alone. In the twenty months between when my partner died and my housemate moved in, there were moments when I wondered how I’d manage if someone wanted to gain access to the house. It was a scary thought and one I’d push away.
A “Right” Housemate
When I coach people about how to find a good housemate, I’m always careful to point out that they aren’t looking for “the” right housemate but one who is good enough. I would have been fine with a thirty-something female with a regular 9-5 job so I’m startled by how good a fit my retired male housemate is. There’s almost no “story” to tell here as stories require tension and conflict. So far this housemate arrangement just works. I have help paying my housing costs, help managing the house, and informal social connection. It’s a win/win all around.
Who knew a smoker would be part of it?
Want to know how I found this housemate? Here’s the post.
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