Last winter I had an anxiety attack. Over the years, I’ve shared my home with flat-mates as well as with romantic partners, but I won’t lie that I love living by myself and the freedom of doing whatever I want in my home. However, having noted that, I’ve come to the realization that as a single, middle-aged woman with no children, no partner, and no living relatives who live close by that living solo may not be in the cards for me after a certain point. Why? Because I caught a glimpse of what the future might be like. Being able to live safer and with help is one of the major benefits of shared housing.
A Surprise Attack
It was a very cold Vermont day, and I felt a heaviness in my chest. I suspected it was the stress of having to walk my dogs in the ice and snow, wondering whether this will be the winter that one of them would pull so hard that I would slip, fall, and break a bone. The more I thought about it, the more anxious I became. My heart raced and I couldn’t get it to slow down. After some internal debate, I called a cab and off I went to the ER. By the time I arrived, I was calmer but I wanted to be sure I didn’t have a mild heart attack. I had an EKG, blood was taken, and everything was fine. Or was it?
During my short stay in the ER, I started to think that if, in fact, I needed to stay in the hospital who would take care of my dogs? I really didn’t know anyone except a few neighbors whom I greeted during our walks. It came as a hard shock I was truly alone. My dream of structuring my life as a reclusive writer who relished her privacy and who had minimal social contact no longer seemed enticing or practical. I came to realize I had to get out of my isolated comfort zone.
The Problems with Being Alone
Looking back on the times I lived alone, I came to see I was never truly isolated. I had friends. I went out. I socialized. I went to events. In fact, I wasn’t the introvert I always thought I was. When I lived with flat-mates, the concerns and agita I had this winter never existed. My flat-mates became my friends, I was happy and, more importantly, healthy.
For the time being, I still see myself living alone. However, I’m taking steps to get to know more people and be less quick to dismiss the idea of sharing my home in the future.
What about you? Do you relish living solo? Have you had a similar experience? Does the notion of having a home-mate provide peace of mind?
Read more about choosing not to live alone: Is Living Alone Making You Lonely? , I’ll Never Live Alone Again
Last Updated on August 12, 2019 by Bob Sherwood
Hi Rebecca and all others who responded:
I just tried to send a response to your letter but it did not go through. I’m trying again. Just briefly I live in a town adjacent to Brattleboro in NH that no one seems to want to move to as a roommate or house share. I own a house here. Everyone wants to live in Brattleboro. I have had a very hard time finding a housemate. I’ve attended AnnaMarie’s meetings in the past and really enjoyed them. I am 69 years old . So my brother (he lives near Middlebury, VT) is financially helping me renovate my kitchen (over 100 year old house/Victorian style) and bathroom and I will be putting it up for sale. (t’s a very cute home with about 3/4 acre of land). I hope someone buys it. I can no longer afford the upkeep of this house on SS….even with a part time job. So I am thinking of moving in with my boyfriend who has a small log home in Guilford, VT. But he lives seven miles off of pavement and I do not have a 4 wheel drive. Oh the problems never seem to end. He is 70 years old. I am very concerned about both of us still living alone at our age. He is still shoveling a lot of snow, He lives in a beautiful area which is great for privacy and peace but it is isolated. Will see how it goes this winter if I go there. I will still need to keep working at my part time job which will be a much longer driver to get to. Next move may be away from here and back to the ocean. Maybe if I’m near the ocean I can tolerate senior housing. I would not like to live in senior housing in VT. I commiserate with the writer who did not want to live in a mobile home. I have not yet looked into 55+ housing communities. I have thought about building a tiny house with any extra $ I might have from selling my own. I just don’t know where. Maybe where my brother lives in Bristol. The decisions seem endless don’t they? Off to to see the psychic. 🙂
I live in johnson city, tn, part of the “tri-city” area which includes bristol tn/va. I would like to housemate up next spring, either here or in the asheville, nc area which is about 60 miles. I loved living in nc a few years ago. I am a native westerner. I plan to soon become more involved with pursuing ideas on housesharing and aging in community, a passion i’ve had for years, even before i realized people were doing it. I thank anna marie for her passion and the opportunity she presents to all of us with her sites.
Hi Paula! So great. Please join our closed FB group Hello Homemate. There’s a woman in NC looking for housemates.
Thinking about Changes in aging and the increasing option of risk to fall (RTF) is like any door opening. We don’t know there from what’s on the other side. Our peers- our generation – has many models for consideration. Expanding network to include others from the larger community is a good step. Consciously seeking out others with success in different models is good too. Good luck.
Hi Deborah,
There’s so much we can’t anticipate. My partner passed after an unexpected massive heart attack at the age of 69 (most likely the cause of my health anxiety). What I’ve discovered what helps me at the moment is to socialize and be around people. As a writer, it’s very easy to hide away in the home office and spend hour after hour in front of the computer. In fact, I’m trying to get in the habit of working in cafes so I can have some activity around me and not feel so isolated.
I am a woman who turned 79 in April. I live alone and have no children or family close by. My lifeline is shrinking year by year. Finding a housemate is a good idea but please please – don’t tell me to read another book!!! Can you provide a ten-step strategy on how to avoid potential mistakes when looking for a housemate?
Hi Claudia,
Thanks for comment! I’m working on another blog post that addresses how I found a flatmates when I lived in San Francisco. But our book isn’t long at all. It’s too the point, and provides you with worksheets to help you find the ideal housemate. And…if you happen to live in Yarmouth on Cape Cod, we’re holding a three day workshop on how to find and keep a good home-mate.
Hi there Claudia.
Here you go — “10 Step Strategy”
1) Know your must-haves and can’t-lives-withs.
2) Create a really clear “ad.”
3) Distribute it in every direction you can think of.
4) Talk to people about how they live at home.
5) Be honest about how you live in your home.
6) Pay attention to your gut – if you don’t like the person you don’t. Move on.
7) Be clear about financial arrangements and how you’ll live together from the beginning.
8) Check references.
9) Check references.
10) Make physical and emotional space for having another person around.
Okay? If you want to know how to do some of those – perhaps reading the book will help. I worked very hard to write a clear and easy-to-read book. Many have found it helpful. It’s not an easy thing selecting a good home-mate. It shouldn’t be. It’s way too important.
I hope this helps.
Great read! I am 64 and happily divorced for many years!! I love living alone but i find renting out a room in my home is AWESOME for 3 reasons, #1 just knowing someone else is in the house at night is great i always rent to people mostly young man around 25-30 that work all day 8-5-6pm or so,that gives me solitude during the day that i love!
#2 Extra money’s never hurts,frankly i thing lot’s of people stay in bad relationships bc of lack of money’s to stay solo & have peace!
#3 I love the choices you always have when renting out a room,if it does not work out you can always change your room-mates where romantic relationships are way too dramatic to change!!!
You may also think about moving to Florida where i live 🙂 It sure is a Fantastic state to live in!!
Good luck!
Hi Anna,
Thanks for commenting. All you’re points are spot on!
I totally agree with you. After about age 70-75, we should all consider finding a compatible housemate. Alternatives might be living in a very close know community, like a 55+ mobile home park, a co-housing community, or a retirement complex, but if none of those sounds appealing or workable, a housemate is probably the answer.
I agree Sara 55+ communities are fantastic when you get older I am moving into one Jan 2018 I am only 64 and want to live among people my age & like all the activities available if you want to participate you never have to feel lonely or alone :)….
Hi Sara,
Thanks for commenting. I don’t think I could ever live in a 55+ mobile home complex or retirement complex (my late partner’s mother lived in one on Long Island. Ugly and cheaply constructed homes and so depressing). When I take that step I’m sure it will be the home-mate route.
Thank you for your letter Rebecca. I am in a similar situation. I own a home in a near by town to Brattleboro and I’m thinking I may have to sell it and move in with my boyfriend who happens to live about 7 miles off of pavement in the Guilford woods. We are both almost 70 and live alone (he has a dog and I have a cat). I am not looking for a roommate because people want to live in Brattleboro and not in my town. These are such difficult decisions. I want to do AnnaMarie’s roommate test with my partner. I know he is not going to like it. I can already hear the objections. I just hate decision-making. It’s possible I may still find myself in a mobile home someplace. I am open to responses. Used to go to the Sharing Housing meetings. This is still a great idea AnnaMarie has.
Hi Jeanne,
Thank you for stopping by! Don’t sell your house until you’ve explored all your options, and think what YOU really want and what suits your lifestyle.
Thanks Rebeca. I’ve just quit my part time job and hope to be able to spend more time clearing clutter and cleaning my house and garage before winter sets in and trying to resolve this housemate problem. I will not be selling right away and sometimes wonder if I should just stay here. Does anyone know about the pros & cons of reverse mortgages? Just hate the thought of the bank owning my house again but I do not see how I am going to be able to afford to maintain this older home on a fixed income. I’m afraid right now that I will not have the mental capacity I had 10 or 15 years ago to study the multitude of housing options now out there. Even the idea of moving to a different state seems overwhelming and impractical. There is the possibility that if my girlfriend in NC sells her house soon she will move up here and live with me for a while but she ultimately wants her own place. I still think we should buy a house together if I can sell mine and co-habitate. Her daughter and adult grandchildren live in VT. I’m trying to see this as a huge puzzle of many pieces that need to be put together and will be fascinating to work at trying to solve. Every day there’s a new option. How does one simplify one’s life and be content where one is?