When we met, and Mari learned that about this work and the book, she immediately said, “I have a great housemate.” Upon interviewing her, I discover her housemate is a great example of what I call a “home-mate.” These two living together are a great example of the benefits of shared housing.
Mari’s Home-Share
Mari lives in the Boston area in a two-family house that she owns. She rents the first floor apartment and lives in the upstairs apartment where she has four bedrooms. One of them is her office and one is a guest room so she has one extra room in the apartment.
The first time she had a housemate was over ten years ago. At the time she was traveling for work 100% of the time, coming home every other weekend. She heard about a woman emigrating from Venezuela who needed a place to live. This woman had a boyfriend in the area. Mari says, “It was great. I had someone living in the apartment while I was gone.” This woman stayed a year.
Five, six years later Mari offered her extra room to a friend who was going through a transition. They thought it would be a month. One month turned into eight months as he dealt with uncertain finances and job changes. For Mari, he was a godsend. She was in graduate school and running a business. Her housemate helped with the home stuff, fixing things, shoveling the sidewalks, walking the dog, shopping for and making dinner. “It was a great arrangement,” she says “He left a month before I finished school and I really noticed that he was gone and how much he had been doing for me.”
So in February 2012 when again the job world wasn’t working for him (he’s in construction, really iffy in these times) he moved back in. Initially he didn’t pay rent. “He could do so many things for me that I would have had to pay for, that it saved me money,” say Mari. “It was a barter arrangement.” When work picked up, he started paying rent.
Life Together
They share meals, plan shopping together, cook and eat together, watch hockey games, and walk dogs (they both have a dog). A standing joke is that at some point in the morning Mari will say, “What’s for dinner?” Sometimes he cooks, sometimes she cooks. If she is still at her desk at 6:30, he’ll simply start making dinner. They do a big shop at Costco together about every six weeks and keep things in the freezer. Their tastes in food are similar.
Mari, “I really like having someone around. We have our own friends. Occasionally we do something together outside the apartment but not regularly….We have a neat partnership, helping each other out, and sharing of household responsibilities. I think what makes it work is good communication and mutual respect. We are mature adults, we look out for each other’s needs and care about each other.”
Exactly. They are a great example of home-mates.
Asked what advice Mari would give others about sharing their homes, she says, “Make sure you are clear to yourself first about your own expectations so that they are very clear to the other person and you have understood ‘rules of engagement’. Don’t let anything fester and deal with any problems right away.”
Right! And she hasn’t even read Sharing Housing, A Guidebook for Finding and Keeping Good Housemates. (Have you? If not, you can find it here.)
And in case you are wondering, it is a platonic relationship. Always has been.
Do you have a home-mate in your life? If you do, how did you find that person? Tell us here.
Check out these articles about real people sharing housing: The Dog Caused Beth’s Home Share , Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You
My own situation is slightly analogous. I have been living for 2 years (yes, I can hardly believe it) with my housemate. We have become close friends and have been on holiday abroad together three times, once alone and twice with others. We have shared the same bed on occasions. We eat together and often do things together at weekends, though we also do things separately with other friends (but share to quite an extent the same circle of friends, though we obviously have our own friends). When asked out for dinner etc. it often feels like we are asked as a couple, and usually go together. Over the past year I have fallen in love with him. I see all his foibles and weaknesses and love him for it, and we laugh and joke together and talk about everything and have really good, intense eye contact. We do special things and treats for one another. But for the last 6 months my feelings for him have become so strong that it is affecting other areas of my life, like work, and I feel I must do something. I wonder if I should broach the subject with him.
Of course you have to, it’s affecting your relationship. I recommend reading “Radical Honesty” in preparation. Do you know anything about his romantic/sexual history? Does he know about yours? You should be able to manage an honest conversation about your relationship and either 1) he’s in love with you too and been scared to say it 2) He’s not in love with you because… He’s more interested in a different sex, he’s not interested in a romantic relationship at all or…. . Can you still enjoy him if it’s #2. Be prepared for that and maybe you will have a better, deeper friendship. HTH
Thank you so much for your reply, and for the recommended reading. As far as I know, he has had no romantic involvement with any women. He is naturally shy about these things, but sometimes we have laughed at how great love and sex are, without being more specific. I have dropped hints about my sexuality, but have never said so directly. Yes, I agree that openness is the best approach, but I value very much our “friendship” and the way we support one another. My fear is that I’ll frighten him away if he feels uncomfortable, which is why I have been in this dilemma for 6 months. I’ll maybe post something if I have that conversation.
Exactly the issue.. do you know him well enough to know how he might react? You should have the goal of making your feelings known and making it safe for him that you tell him. Good luck.
Thanks!