How to Find a Good Housemate

So you’re thinking about shared housing, you know about the benefits, and now you’re wondering, “How do I find a good housemate?” It’s all about the selection process.  There are certain steps you can take to help ensure you find the best living situation for you. If you follow a thorough selection process to determine compatibility, you can turn your housemate into a true home-mate. This guide takes you through the whole process.

Is Shared Housing Right for You?

Before you start looking for a housemate, it helps to be clear about why you want one. People choose shared housing for many reasons, and most have more than one:

• To save money. Splitting rent or a mortgage, utilities and even groceries can easily save hundreds of dollars a month.
• For companionship. Not necessarily a best friend, just someone to share a joke with in the kitchen in the morning.
• For help in the home. Someone to water the plants, take out the trash, or let you in when you’re locked out.
• To live more lightly. Sharing heat, water and even rides is better for the planet.
• To live more fully. The daily give and take of a shared home can be one of its quiet gifts.

You can read more about each of these in The Benefits of Shared Housing. If you’re thinking about sharing later in life, Shared Housing for Seniors is written for you.

Knowing you want to share is the first step. For a home share to actually happen, three things have to come together:

• Compatibility. You and your housemate use a home in ways that work together.
• Location. You agree on where you’ll live.
• Timing. You are both ready at the same time.

The rest of this guide is mostly about the first one, compatibility, because that’s the part you can prepare for. But location and timing deserve some thought, too.

Location is often settled for householders. Householders should consider what room or rooms they will be renting and arrange for them to be attractive to potential housemates. Home seekers should consider where they want to live. Sometimes friends dream of sharing a home, only to find that no one wants to give up their own home and community.

Start before you need to. Begin your search when you have energy for it, not when you’re desperate. Desperation leads to settling for the wrong person.

What’s Important in Finding a Good Housemate

Living in shared housing is different from living with family or in a relationship. It’s a choice to band together to maintain a roof over one’s head. But if you settle for the first person who seems like a fit, you might end up in an unhappy living situation. We’ve heard people reflecting after they’ve had a bad experience, “She seemed nice enough,”  “He was well-spoken and gentle,”  or “We were friends and we both needed a place to live.” None of these people took the time to consider if their potential housemate was really a good fit for them. They didn’t use a good selection process.

It’s About Compatible Living

The key to finding a good housemate is determining if you use your home in compatible ways. Everyone has a unique way of living! We all have preferences around cleanliness, routines, pets, kitchen use, and many other things. When you share a home you have to account for everyone’s preferences. While it’s important to make compromises, if you are asked to compromise on something really important to you then you might end up unhappy. On the other hand, if you find someone who lives in a way that you’re comfortable with, you won’t need to make big compromises. 

That’s why it’s important to know what you need when looking for a housemate. After you’ve determined what you need in a home, you have to make sure your housemate has compatible needs before they move in. You need to talk to your potential housemate, and judge if they’re a good fit! That’s why it’s important to have a thorough selection process. The best potential housemate is someone who shares your most important preferences, is willing to compromise on smaller issues, and brings something new and beneficial into your home.

How to Find a Good Housemate: Our Selection Process

We have a lot to say about how to find a good housemate. If you want to learn absolutely everything you can about finding and keeping good housemates check out our amazing guidebook! Or you could also take our course, Sharing Housing 101. For now, let’s break down the basics. There are seven main steps to selecting a good housemate:

Step 1: Know Your Needs

Figure out your “Must-Haves” and “Can’t-Live-Withs” 

When Kathy was interviewing to live in a group home, she fell in love with everything about it. She noticed dirty dishes in the sink, and thought “I can live with it.” Not so, six months later she was moving out. Two friends agreed to live together. Only after moving in did they discover that one of them likes to have music playing in the background all the time, the other really doesn’t like it. Both of these stories are examples of not doing the work up front of identifying the critically important elements of what make a home work.

To figure out your “Must-Have’s” and “Can’t Live Withs” watch your daily routines, imagine the worst case scenario, talk to your friends and family and write it down! We have worksheets to help you do this. To learn more about this step read The Secret to Finding a Good Housemate.

Knowing yourself is the step most people skip, and the one that matters most. Our guidebook walks you through the whole process, from getting clear on what you need to choosing the right housemate and living well together. Get the Guidebook.

Step 2: Announcement

Spread the word through your network, online platforms, and publications.

Most people fail here by writing something that looks like a real estate ad. It’s not – it’s a housemate wanted announcement and therefore needs more information. Both householders and home seekers should create an announcement. When you have something you can share, you make it easier for your friends and family to help you in your search.

There are six parts to a good announcement. The location is the first piece of information. The second is a description of the space a housemate would rent and the home. These two are common in apartment ads. The next two are about the people. You need to write some description of yourself including your “must-haves” and “can’t live withs.” You should write something about what you are looking for in a housemate. The fifth part is the financial requirements, which should include the rent and security deposit or last month deposit, if those are planned. Finally you should also ask for references. See How to Write a Housemate Ad for more details. It’s important to remember that you are looking for a person who is a good fit – so be as specific as you can.

When you have your announcement you then need to start sharing it. Start in your community, give it to friends and family and other local networks. There are online services as well. Craigslist is the obvious online service and has a category for home shares. While there are plenty of scammers on craigslist, the anonymous relaying of messages makes it safe as an initial step. For more on this step, Where Do I find A Good Housemate?

It’s worth remembering that this is a longer-term effort. A good housemate may not show up immediately. It can take time. Be consistent and persistent. Give yourself enough time that you don’t get desperate. Desperation leads to mistakes.

Step 3: Initial Contact

Most likely your first contact will be through email. This is good as it allows you to assess the quality of this response. Sometimes it is clear from the way the person responds that you won’t be a good match. You can simply ignore those and delete them. If you want to continue you should write back with any questions you might have for the person. If all seems good, you should make a date for the second contact. This is a telephone call.

Step 4: Second Contact – Telephone Call

A telephone call is the next step. In this call you have the chance to get a feel for the person. In your conversation you are asking about why they’re looking and what they are looking for. You are listening to how they respond, you are paying attention to how the conversation is going and how you feel as you talk. In this conversation you want to feel out the other person. Do you like the conversation? Does the person feel good to you? You should ask questions about what the person is looking for and why they are looking, and see whether your basic needs match. In this call you should make sure your must-haves and can’t live withs are met by the other person. If these basic requirements aren’t met you should stop the call immediately, wish them luck and move on. This call is a gut check. How do you feel about the other person? If you instinctively don’t like the person, stop the process right there. If there are no red flags you move to the next phase, meeting in person and assessing if you are compatible enough to live together.

Step 5: Third Contact – In-Person Interview

Now it’s time to meet in person. Depending on your circumstances you may want to meet this person first in a public space. Or you may be willing to meet in the home that would be shared. Either way is fine. It is also fine to ask a friend or family member to participate in the initial interview. Before sitting down to have a comprehensive discussion about living together the home seeker should get a tour of the home and their future room or rooms. If they take an immediate dislike to the space then there’s no point in continuing the conversation.

Using the Interview Guide

Knowing what to ask in your in-person interview can feel daunting.  It’s so easy to overlook something important! You might not think to ask about their morning routines, and then you end up fighting over the shower and waiting in line to make toast every day. That’s why we created an interview guide to make sure you know everything you need to know about your potential housemate.

In the interview guide there is a short multiple-choice questionnaire. Before you’ve begun your search, you can use the questions in the interview guide to help you assess what is really important to you in how you live. Always remember: choosing a good housemate is about being clear about your own needs, wants, and preferences! When you have your interview, ask your potential housemate to complete the questionnaire as well. The real power of the guide comes from comparing your answers with those of your potential housemate. But don’t be afraid if your answers don’t match! These questions are conversation starters. It’s ok if you don’t have the same answer, what’s important is that you start a discussion about your needs. Asking the Right Questions. As you talk you may discover some real differences that would become issues once living under the same roof. It’s really important to notice the red flags in your interview process. This post Red Flags in Interviews is a case study in multiple red flags in the interviewing process that were overlooked.

Every round of contact is a chance to say “No, this isn’t the right fit,” and that’s ok! If a housemate fit isn’t right, there’s no reason to continue interviewing that person. But if you’ve followed this process and your future housemate checks out, you can be confident in your plan to move forward.

It may be that a good conversation will lead to clarity and agreement about how you would live together and there are no red flags, only green lights. That’s great. Your next step is to check references.

Step 6: Always Check References!

If that conversation feels good, then the last step is to check references. Don’t skip this step! Talk to at least two people who know your potential housemate. Some people worry that references are always going to say nice things. While that may be true, it is your task to judge how good of a reference you’ve been given.  Here are two blog posts about how to manage references. How to Do a Reference Check for a Housemate, and Red Flags in Interviews (and How to Recognize Them). Both householder and home seeker should check references!

If the references check out and you have gone through the whole process with no red flags, you have found yourself a new housemate!

Step 7: Exchanging Money for Keys and Written Agreements

There should be a simple exchange of the required money (rent, last month and/or security deposit) for the keys to the home. Do this at the same time. Should the home seeker not be able to produce the full required amount right away, this is a red flag. Householders: don’t let someone move in owing you money. Home seekers: don’t move in owing money.”Mo ney in a housemate relationship should be “clean” that is, managed without messiness.

It’s a good idea to put your arrangement in writing before anyone moves in. A simple written agreement protects both of you and prevents misunderstandings later. It could cover:

• Rent and deposit. How much, when it’s due and how it’s paid.
• Move-in date and notice. How much notice either of you gives before moving out.
• A trial period. Many home sharers agree to check in after the first month or two.
• House agreements. Any specific arrangement that has been made.

Keeping A Good Housemate

The first weeks are a transition as you both adapt. Because of the full conversation you had when using the interview guide you’ve already discussed things like routines and kitchen use so it will be more comfortable. Still you are adjusting. Ask questions, be honest about a “nit” or otherwise something you aren’t content with. But also let go. Do plan to have at least one meal together in the first week.

Keep rules to a minimum. It’s tempting to write a rule every time something bothers you. Over time the list grows, and a new housemate can feel they’re moving into a rulebook rather than a home. Focus on the few things that really matter to you, and trust good communication to handle the rest.

Revisit agreements when someone moves in or out. A household isn’t a finished puzzle where each piece has one right spot. It’s more like a kaleidoscope: every person who joins changes the pattern. When the people change, sit down together and look again at how you want to live. Some agreements will stay, and some will change.

Talk about small things while they’re still small. Most housemate trouble starts as a minor irritation that nobody mentions. A friendly “Can we talk about the dishes?” in week two is much easier than a hard conversation in month six.

Notice what’s going well. Say thank you when your housemate takes out the recycling or brings in your packages. The daily give and take of helping one another is one of the real rewards of sharing a home.

For more on why flexible households work better than long lists of rules, read The Puzzle of Shared Housing.

A Home-Mate

When newly moved in you are “housemates.” A housemate is a completely different relationship from more common living together arrangements. A housemate is not family, a best friend or a significant other. You get to create a relationship based solely on an agreement to share a roof. How it develops will depend on who you are and how you live.

Because you have already done the work of ensuring your housemate is compatible enough with you, any nits or places of discomfort should be manageable. Speak up and be willing to adapt for the comfort of each other. Read more in The Golden Rule and Its Mate. Communication is essential as in any relationship.

If you’ve done your selection process fully and completely, over time, that housemate will become a “home-mate.” A “home-mate” is a person you like and respect whose ways of living at home are compatible enough that everyone is comfortable. It takes time to grow into that relationship. It’s a relationship of caring and belonging. We found some “home-mates” whom you can read about in our PDF The Real Scoop.

Trust the Universe

The selection process may seem long and difficult, but we believe there is a match out there for everyone. If you do the work, are honest with yourself, and open your heart, you can find a true home-mate (or two) that brings something new and wonderful into your life. Don’t be afraid of the process, be excited by the possibilities, and be selective!

It is our belief and faith that there is a good housemate for everyone who is sincere in welcoming a new person in their home life.  Do the work to get the word out there. Continue to do the work in interviewing and selecting a compatible home-mate. Trust the universe that you will find your good housemate (or two).

Ready to start your search? Get the Guidebook for the complete step-by-step process, or take our self-paced class, Sharing Housing 101, and learn the framework in under an hour.

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Originally published August 2020. Updated September 2026.