My glass storage canister was missing. The lid was in the dish-drying rack, but the container was nowhere to be seen. I looked all over the kitchen and pantry – nada. At the weekly house meeting, with all housemates present as usual, I asked about it. “Has anyone seen my glass canister? I washed it and left it on the drying rack, and now it’s gone.” Puzzled looks all around and a chorus of “no, I haven’t seen it” and “dunno”.
I was baffled, and mildly outraged. It raised a doubt for me. How could someone move or store – or maybe break – an object and not remember? SOMEONE did SOMETHING with it, because it had been there and now it wasn’t. It couldn’t just disappear into thin air! So who was the culprit?
I live with my partner and four housemates in a large Victorian building in the Boston area. I’ve been in this house for thirty-plus years always with a number of housemates.
House Meeting
A few months went by. Another house meeting night. People often bring coffee, tea or water to the meetings. And there was Rob, sitting across from me and sipping water from my canister! “Rob, that’s the canister I’ve been missing! Remember, I asked about it at house meeting awhile back?”
He looked down at it. “Oh, this? It’s been in my room – I thought it was a drinking glass!” The canister was made of relatively thin glass (for a canister) and had plain, straight sides with no decoration. It was wider than most drinking glasses, but not by much. Suddenly I could see how a person – not noticing the lid sitting nearby – could mistake the canister for a tumbler. There was no culprit. It was nobody’s fault. Just an innocent mistake.
Important Home-Sharing Skill
I failed to exercise an important home-sharing skill: giving the benefit of the doubt to my housemates.
Since then I’ve had many opportunities to remind myself of this crucial and mutually beneficial mindset. Housemates inevitably do or say things that on first glance seem senseless. But it always turns out they had a reason which was logical to them, even if I can’t fathom it.
If I can restrain myself from jumping to conclusions when a housemate does something that seems outlandish, and tell myself “they presumably had a reason – let’s find out what it is”, I’ll be curious rather than annoyed. That’s certainly a more comfortable state for me. I’ll also have better relationships with my housemates if my approach is interested rather than accusatory.
Bonus
This is one of the many skills of living with housemates that are also useful in relationships with family, friends and co-workers. Living in shared housing has benefited my interactions outside the house as well as those with my housemates. The capacity for seeing a situation from another’s viewpoint, and the methods of clear communication, that I’ve had to pick up are useful everywhere in my life. I’m grateful.
Here are some other posts about home-sharing skills.. Phrases, Guideline, Sayings and Wise Battles. , The Golden Rule and Its Mate
Here is one on the whole idea of the Benefit on the Doubt and why it’s good for you.
Photo by Wallace Chuck: https://www.pexels.com/photo/clear-glass-pitcher-pouring-water-on-clear-drinking-glass-3500006/
Leave a Reply