It is a rare thing for a couple to realize that the usual model of setting up housekeeping in their own space is not optimal for their relationship. But this is what Jeff and his wife, Julia, recognized. So they did something about it.

How It Started

Jeff and Julia now own a three-story two-unit building in the Boston area. The couple bought it on purpose to live with housemates, because they like having housemates.  They came to the decision from the vantage point of having had housemates in several different situations and also living as a couple in an apartment. Living in the apartment they discovered that just being a couple did not work for them. They had opposite needs after the workday. One of them had a job in which they interacted with people all day and came home ready to be quiet. The other spent a day in a socially isolating job not talking to many people and would be ready to be really interactive in the evening. They decided that they wanted to have more of a community at home. 

Getting Ready

To save money to buy a house, the couple moved in with Jeff’s parents who had a six-bedroom house. There were lots of people living there, moving in and out. At one point there were ten people living there, mostly family. 

Their Own Building

The building they bought has an apartment downstairs with two bedrooms and the upstairs originally had four bedrooms. They renovated the upstairs to create another two bedrooms so the upstairs apartment has six bedrooms and two bathrooms. They live upstairs with their three children, one full-time housemate, and one quarter-time housemate. The downstairs apartment is rented out to friends. These friends eat with the community about a third of the time. The quarter-time housemate was a full-time housemate who relocated to San Francisco, but has kept paying for a quarter of the room so that he would have a place to come back to when he comes to Boston. His room is available as a guest room when he’s not there. 

Finding Housemates

Jeff is a contradance musician and knows lots of people in the contradance community. Most of their housemates have come through that community. When they are looking for a housemate, they post a thorough description of their home, the space and how they live.  This link will take you to the blog post for the apartment, but it will give you an idea of how they describe what a future housemate should expect. When asked how many housemates they’ve had he counted fourteen housemates since 2015. Some of these have been for a short period of time, one or two months, but some of them for much longer than that.

Selection process

The selection process they use is similar to the process we teach here at Sharing Housing. The first step is to describe the arrangement. When a person is interested, there is a conversation with a member of the house.  For people living in the upstairs space, with shared common spaces, they’ve been able to find people they already knew well.  However they still always ask what others want out of a space to see if living together would work well. Often these conversations involve having the prospective housemate over for dinner, since that allows them to get a sense of what the space and group feel like. 

After that, if Jeff and Julia are enthusiastic about the housemate they check in with the other housemates. Jeff says, “From there we go with how we’re feeling overall.” The decision ends up being mutual in that both parties generally realize if it’s a go or a no-go.

Food

The household eats dinner together an average of five nights a week. This “household” includes a former housemate and their child who now live across the street and join them for the evening meal. They manage food shopping with a credit card. Formerly everyone in the eating rotation was an authorized user, but over time this has reduced to just the people living in the upstairs space. A few times a year, Jeff will figure out much people owe for their portion of the household groceries.  

There is a shared grocery list on Keep (Google Notes app) that everyone uses. Staples are kept in the house at all times. Whoever is cooking dinner shops for the meal that they are cooking. They sign up for a dinner on a shared Google calendar. They try to adapt to the tastes and diets of everyone in their community by making sure each meal has something each person can eat. Currently, they have three vegetarians, one of which additionally doesn’t eat eggs. They’ve previously had vegan housemates, but someone with a gluten-free diet wouldn’t be a good fit in their household. 

Everyone eats together including the children, both their three and the one across the street. Dinner starts between 6 and 7 depending on when the cook has it ready, and the post in Slack to give people a heads up on timing

Other basics 

Because Jeff and Julia have three kids, who make most of the mess, Jeff and Julia do most of the cleaning, including the bathrooms. The house keeps quiet hours between 10 PM to 9AM although, Jeff says, “the kids can get a little noisy before that.  We try to keep them from running around and shouting early in the morning.” 

There are often short-term guests.  When someone wants to stay for more than a week or two they treat it more like a new potential housemate. 

Overall

Jeff says, “The costs have worked out well for us, and this is much cheaper than either living alone or renting.”  They’re even doing car sharing. This happened because the former housemate who now lives across the street knew that Jeff and Julia were looking to buy a car. She wasn’t  using her car very much. They realized they could share it. They pay for half of it and now share the car on a first-come first-served basis.

About shared housing

Jeff says, “I like that this allows a lot of low-effort socializing. I can spend time with people at home. The default is not being alone.” He continues, “It’s really important to pay attention to compatibility around eating, messiness and noise.” He adds, “It’s great if you can see the spaces each other is living in because that will give you a good feeling for how messy or neat they really are, because most people are not very good at knowing this about themselves. I want housemates who are skilled communicators and know how to manage conflict.  I like being around people who advocate for themselves and take care of their needs rather than just being grumpy.”

Commentary

I think I’m going to adopt the phrase “low-effort socializing” as a way to describe a big benefit of shared housing. As a single person I’m aware of how much effort goes into being social. Getting in touch, finding a time and the setting, confirming.. it feels to me like every social engagement requires four to six emails, texts or phone calls. It’s exhausting and becomes a deterrent to even reaching out. How much better to find someone in the kitchen who you already like!

Also this couple with their children are finding a way to make it work. Though I often counsel that it’s hard for a single person to live with a couple, I imagine that the children change that dynamic.

Here’s another shared housing story with children involved. Families Sharing A Home, Rob’s Story