I have friend who owns a fourth-floor apartment in New York City. It’s a walk up. She lives alone. She’s been there for thirty years and is now in her seventies. It’s a great apartment, with access to the roof and a view of the New York City skyline. As I’ve worked on shared housing and become more aware of the aging process, I realized that she is in a precarious situation. What if she should have an injury or surgery that would make it impossible for her climb those stairs and be home? Worse yet, what if she simply isn’t able to go home and other people will have to pack up her things and do it for her because she can’t? I raised the topic once. She replied that the flights keep her in shape.
Resistance to Change
Resistance to change, denial that one needs to change, is such a common human experience. We don’t like to change – and as we get older it gets harder. As the wag once said, “The only person who likes a change is a wet baby.” We are creatures of habits and of routines. We put up with what isn’t completely great in our lives because making a change takes effort, time, money, and, most likely, some not so pleasant emotions. How much easier it is to continue as we are…until it isn’t.
A Model
One change model I learned years ago says that change starts with pain. We have to get unhappy enough with our current situation that we are willing to risk a change. For instance, in this interview it was the silence of her home that bothered her. Or in this story – her discovery that she didn’t feel safe living alone. For many, it’s the painful realization that they simply don’t have enough money on their own to pay for housing. (So true for so many in America these days.) After this Covid year of social distancing, more people seem to be open to shared housing, perhaps because the loneliness is/was painful. It’s hard to change when in the grip of pain. The sufferer may feel powerless to change their situation. They may feel themselves to be weighed down and trapped rather than an active agent who can do something different.
Pain is the starting point of change. Next is awareness: where is the pain, what is it, and what options exist for creating change? Our work at Sharing Housing helps to create the awareness that that shared housing can be a solution. But awareness alone does not change make. An individual has to choose to make a change, to choose differently from what was before. From choice flows action, and from action, steps.
Life Stressor
It is well known that moving is one of life’s stressors. It’s right up there with death, divorce, and job loss. Though there are a few people who enjoy moving, most of us drag our heels. And as we get older it gets harder. We have more stuff—more mementos of our life, more clothes, more of those things we collect that end up in closets and on shelves. Moving requires going through them all and deciding what to keep and what to pass on, whether to a yard sale, a family member, or the trash can. It takes energy and work. Making space for someone to move into one’s house also takes work – though not as much. It’s not too surprising that people who think shared housing is a great idea never actually do it.
No Action
Ten years ago another friend claimed she wanted to live in shared housing. Her home had the space once she cleared out a room in which were a many boxes and other things. She kept postponing the task and never actually made room for a housemate. She died this February of a cancer for which she went through two series of treatment over the past two years. The last time I spoke to her she said with relief in her voice, “I have 24/7 help now.” How much of the last two years would have been easier and better for her with someone else living at home? Not as a caretaker, but simply another person around? Eight, ten years ago she missed the opportunity to create a shared housing arrangement. I always thought the boxes were her excuse – she didn’t want shared housing enough to make it happen, but oh how I wish she’d had the comfort of companionship, especially through the Covid isolation.
Moving or making space for another (others) is a barrier to shared housing. Denying that you need to make a change is another. Getting past that barrier, finding the energy for the work requires a vision that pulls you towards your better future.* Having help, whether paid or volunteer, a friend or a professional organizer, motivates and creates a schedule for doing the work. And of course a deadline forces the issue!
Have you experienced a reluctance to move? Denied that you needed a change? Found a way to break out of what wasn’t working for you? Let us know what worked for you in the comments.
*Check out our mini-course 5 Key Benefits of Shared Housing for reasons why shared housing can be a better future.
It’s great to see so many really viable options being shared. There’s more than one way to create successful home sharing arrangements!
Thanks Annamarie! Any way yo post on FB?
welcome. It’s on our FB Sharing Housing page.
Right–it’s complicated. Humans are a territorial species, so we easily get wedded to our “nest,” even if it’s not a particularly good one. And an immediate source of stress or “pain” (like a shot, maybe, or an angst-producing move or major situation change) is more powerful than a nebulous future advantage. Guess it’s no wonder that most people who contemplate homesharing never actually make it happen. So how DO people get themselves over the anxiety threshold? Like you said, some never do. Those who DO take risks and welcome new endeavors despite the “pain”–I wish we could say what the magic ingredient is–Personality trait? Circumstance? Support?
As I once saw diagrammed in a workshop…if you have taken risks and they worked out you are more likely to take more risks. And vice versa. I do think support is an answer. It’s why people want matching programs – a sense that there is support if something doesn’t work out. I’ve wondered about having a regular zoom Q&A session to provide support as an offering of Sharing Housing.
Anne Marie, i loved your insight into the reluctance to change.
Yes change starts with pain. This pain of the COVID pandemic has caused many to re-examine priorities. A recent health problem has made me aware of my need to take the next step toward home sharing.
My next step is NOT TO MOVE. I found the apartment I was looking for right on the first floor of my house. All it needs is to convert a tiny bedroom into a kitchen. Close the double doors and the front of house becomes a welcoming independent place to live for a companionable house mate without requiring either to give up privacy .
So here is another alternative to home sharing—Semi home sharing. Most residential neighborhoods permit mother-in-law apartments. Little back yard cottages are blooming in my residential neighborhood. Since we are all part of the the spiritual human family it would not be hard to designate house mates as family as my friends are my soul sisters.
Attempts to find friends interested in Home sharing were met with dire warnings of problems. Attempts to find a small accessible apartment were disappointing . Hosting the family bed n breakfast has become harder as my energy lessons.
My new idea has solved problems that troubled me. I am not looking for a renter nor am I looking for the perfect mate for my home , just someone for companionship, to share expenses, to help with house care, to give a hand if I get sick. These extra chores could be marked as money-per- hour for home payment. The big benefit of independent living space would limit the problems of blending living habits and give privacy.
Your wisdom on the need to be ready to MOVE can also be a call not to be afraid to MOVE onto the next step to reconfigure your life as our needs change even if we do not physically move.
I imagine there are little apartments hiding in many of these big old houses and big old yards.
Kathleen
Absolutely right! What you are doing is called created an “Accessory Dwelling Unit” and it’s a great solution. Similar to this one Get Out of My Own Way. But you know – the only real difference between what you want to set up and our idea of shared housing is the sharing of a kitchen. Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
Great article. Having encouragement and skilled help makes such a difference. One choice might be a “mutual help” group.