As I was searching for shared housing in Baltimore several years ago, I knew that I was looking for more than a transactional relationship, i.e. a room in exchange for rent. When I interviewed with Kara, a homeowner renting out her spare bedroom. I had a good feeling. Our in-person interview went well, and I sensed we’d be a good fit.
Later, I called my father to tell him about the meeting. I explained that Kara still had two more people to interview and wouldn’t make a final decision until the end of the week.
“Well, it sounds like it went well,” my Dad said. “Didn’t you tell her you would take it? Why would she go to the trouble of interviewing anyone else if you’re available to move in and start paying rent?”
I tried to explain that perhaps Kara would find someone that she deemed to be a more suitable housemate.
“I mean, we would be living together, Dad. You want to live with someone you like, and get along with. It’s different than just renting my own studio apartment from a leasing company.”
Kara did text me later that week to tell me I was the best candidate, and to coordinate my move-in and initial rent and deposit payments. She and I lived together for a year and a half, until I relocated for work.
Transactional Thinking—Dollars and Cents
My father’s “dollars and cents” attitude reflects a very capitalist (and, in my opinion, very American) point of view, of always prioritizing maximum financial gain. If a landlord has room, then they should fill it with a tenant as quickly as possible in order to make money.
This approach to housing makes me think of that saying (first written by Oscar Wilde) of knowing “the price of everything and the value of nothing.”
Yes, housing is a commodity. A home is an asset, an investment. Renting out a room (or rooms) can be a great way for a homeowner to offset their mortgage. There’s no denying the financial aspect: renters want affordability, and homeowners want help with costs. In addition to this, conversations about and agreements about shared expenses—utilities, groceries, cleaning supplies—are necessary and practical to any shared household.
But, money isn’t everything. What we teach about and advocate for here at shared housing goes beyond the ‘bottom line,’ because you can’t put a price tag on feeling at home.
Sharing a Home Is Relational
While homeowners do own the space they’re renting out, ideally they don’t treat it with a “my house, my rules” mindset. Yes, they’re entitled to set expectations around cleanliness, noise, and use of shared spaces—but living with others requires mutual respect and flexibility.
A homeowner who sees themselves as the boss and housemates as subordinates is setting the stage for tension. A household functions more like a team, where everyone’s voice matters. While the homeowner may act as a manager—setting initial terms and expectations—they should also be open to input and collaboration. This approach helps housemates feel like valued contributors, making it easier to reach agreements that keep everyone happy, relaxed, and comfortable.
Like Searching for a Job
At its core, housing is about more than survival. Sure, we all need a roof over our heads, but ideally, we want to live in a place that feels good—with people we enjoy being around.
That’s why Shared Housing emphasizes the importance of the selection process. Don’t rent to the first person who writes a check. Find the right person for the space.
It’s a lot like searching for a job. While we all need money to pay the bills, we also hope to find meaningful work with colleagues we like. That’s why we search for open positions and apply to several different companies.
Employers almost never hire a new employee sight-unseen. They interview the job candidate and check their references. The same care should be taken when choosing someone to live with.
Yes, there’s always some risk in sharing a space—just as there is risk with any hiring process. There’s always a chance that a new homemate or new employee will not be as good a fit as initially thought or hoped for. But a careful, thorough selection process will reduce the risk significantly.
Bridging the Gap with My Dad
Eventually, I think I helped my father understand by drawing the parallel between housemate selection and job interviews, since it was something he was familiar with from his own career.
What about you? Have you ever managed a team or hired new employees? Or gone through the process of job hunting yourself? Think back to a workplace where you felt especially comfortable—was it because you got along well with your coworkers? Even if you’ve never lived in shared housing, reflecting on positive shared environments like a workplace can help you identify the qualities you’d value in a housemate.
An oldie but goodie, check out Airbnb vs. Housemates
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