Our culture is full of reminders about the power of positive thinking, from the bestselling book of the same name (by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, published in 2003) to the 1960 Bing Crosby / Andrews Sisters song “Accentuate the Positive.” Instagram and Pinterest offer colorful re-posts such as, “A Bad Attitude is like a flat tire. You can’t go anywhere until you change it!” Even the paper label attached to my tea bag tells me that, “The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.”
Life is Difficult
Positive thinking can be astoundingly hard to put into practice, despite all of the reminders. Life is difficult! In ways both large (the death of a loved one, personal illness or injury, job loss or other financial struggles) but also small (an unexpected traffic jam causes you to be late to work, your favorite restaurant that you go to every Friday night is out of your usual order). It’s natural and normal to be in a bad mood sometimes.
If you’re undergoing an ordeal, seeing and hearing “peace and love!” “Good vibes!” or “think lovely thoughts!” everywhere you turn can seem disingenuous. I think this is why there’s also a lot of discourse on the perils and pitfalls of ‘toxic positivity’ putting on a false facade of optimism and up-beatnesses and rejecting any difficult emotion or circumstance.
Extreme Thinking
Another problem with the emphasis on positive thinking…
Is that it can encourage us to think in extremes–if some circumstance, event or person isn’t “the best!” then it’s simply “the worst!”
Of course, this isn’t actually true. Most occurances in our day-to-day lives don’t merit a superlative.
Choosing Thoughts
The older I get, the more I am of the opinion that patience, and observing my own inner monologue, are more useful skills than ‘positive thinking’. I find things like, “choose your thoughts wisely” and “your thoughts are not reality” to be more useful aphorisms than “think lovely thoughts!”
Choosing one’s thoughts is an age-old practice and teaching, taught by everyone from the Buddha, to the Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius, to Shakespeare. (“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so,” says Hamlet.)
I have the power to choose how I react, when life does not go my way. I can choose to not let my mood be affected by things I can’t control–such as other people’s actions. I can also choose to calmly assess a situation or event, and see both the positive and negative sides to it.
Ok, all of these things are easier said than done. It’s a practice.
Bad Thoughts
I know I am guilty of indulging in bad moods, and thinking myself into a total ‘funk’ for hours, or even days!
In these flairs of ill temper–and especially if I have just returned home from a challenging day at work–I want nothing more than to be completely selfish, and alone, and not have to “deal” with other people.
I can recall many times in the past when my internal thoughts went something like this:
“Why is this big, heavy Amazon package in the middle of the porch?!?!? It’s not mine but I guess I have to bring it inside since it is completely in the way.”
“Ugh, it’s so much effort to share the kitchen! Our countertops are way too small. Plus I have to wait 20 entire minutes for my homemate to finish using the oven for her baked potato.”
“Life would be SO MUCH EASIER, if I just lived in an apartment by myself! That way I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and have some peace and quiet!”
Reframing
Sure, some things might be easier if I lived alone. I wouldn’t have to share the kitchen and its appliances. I would have more freedom in how I organized and decorated the space.
But just as many things would be more difficult. Every single cost of living–rent, utilities and food–would be higher if I lived alone.
Also, what would happen if I locked myself out of the house? What would happen if my car broke down, and I needed a ride while my car was in the shop? A homemate would be an enormous help and comfort in either case.
Also: for all of the packages I lug in from the front porch, each of my homemates has received just as many of my deliveries. Shared living decreases the chances of a package getting stolen off of your front stoop (something that can be a problem in urban neighborhoods).
Neither shared living nor living alone is inherently, objectively better. The two situations are just different. Each has its ups and downs, pros and cons.
Our homemates have habits that are different from our own.
Instead of getting aggravated by these habits, you can simply observe them, without getting annoyed by them.
For example: Say your homemate presses the snooze button for a solid hour before actually getting out of bed. It’s possible to observe the faint sound of her alarm resounding from her bedroom every ten minutes, and choose to not let it raise your blood pressure. Or, choose to put on headphones! And listen to your favorite music.
Instead of the faint sound of the alarm going off again, and again, and again…
Another example: say that you arrive home late, and both the living room and kitchen light are still on even though your homemates went to bed hours before.
Instead of immediately thinking: “How careless! Don’t they realize how much electricity that’s wasting?” just observe the fact that the lights are on, and then ask your homemates about it later.
Sure, maybe someone left the lights on by mistake, because they are human and occasionally forgetful. But maybe they left them on, on purpose so that you would not have to walk into a dark house.
“Your thoughts are not reality,” after all, and you and your homemate are two different people. Many times it is best not to assume or presume why they are taking some particular action.
Another thought about thoughts…
A homemate can really help in getting you outside of yourself. I know that as soon as I reach out to another person, and focus somewhere other than the echochamber of my own head (where so many untrue and negative thoughts can tumble around like dirty laundry) I feel better.
When I think about living by myself, I think of how a solo space would prove to be a huge barrier in reaching out to others.
Whereas, when you live with others, it is natural to spend some part of your day in conversation. I usually find connection with others – even if it’s just a small, mundane exchange about the weather – to be enormously cheering.
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