Three’s Company the situation comedy of the 1970’s depicts three housemates: one male and two females getting into scrapes and getting out of them. It was a very popular show of slapstick and innuendo.
Living In Three’s
The premise of “Three’s Company,” three people living together is a good one. Three housemates offers a good balance in a household. I might be biased because I lived in an apartment of three housemates for eight years. I liked it because it created a flow of activity. One person might not be home at dinner time when I got home, but the other was. Two people might have a disagreement and the third mediates the disagreement. One person might be having a difficult time but the other wasn’t. It just seemed to balance nicely. Patricia who lives with two others agrees.
However, in a household of three housemates, if two are a couple, it can be difficult. Though there are cases when it might work, in general there is a power imbalance. The couple acts as a unit within the home; eating together, entertaining together, sharing confidences, and making decisions about how the home can be used. The third person can feel excluded and marginalized. For everyone to live happily together, the couple to be aware of how they communicate and involve the third person appropriately in the household. This requires a level of self-awareness and maturity.
Couples Living With a Friend
Consider the case of the housemates described in a “Dear Amy” in the Washington Post. Here the woman of a couple describes living in a three’s company situation, with her boyfriend and a friend. “We moved in together last February and took on a roommate. Originally, it was to be my partner and me, but the third person needed some roommates. I knew she was a lonely character before we signed our leases, but we had a lot in common and got along great. Things have changed (surprise). She is very needy and has formed a dependency on my boyfriend that has strained my relationship with him. Before this, most of our arguments consisted of minor bickering, but we were pretty open with one another. What can I do? I’ve tried speaking to him, but it usually turns into a shouting match in which he accuses me of jealousy and insecurity. Please help. I’m beginning to feel like the third wheel in my own relationship.” Amy’s advice is good. Read it here.
Had they asked me before they invited this friend to join them, I would have coached them to consider the invitation carefully. I would have asked them to be explicit about how they would maintain their relationship. As this letter makes very clear, living with a third person can change the dynamics of the relationship. Those intimate Sunday morning breakfasts? Gone, maybe. The dinners out? Snuggling on a coach watching the game? The question has to do with finding appropriate boundaries which the couple should establish as part of interviewing the third housemate. Always remember to do an interview as part of a housemate selection process, even if the person is your friend.
How It Can Work
Of course there are arrangements where sharing housing with a couple will work. For instance a couple might rent a room in their home. Two people I interviewed for my book lived in such arrangements. In one case, the couple living separately in their rooms, with the kitchen the only common space. This turned out to be unsatisfactory after a year and the renter moved on. In a different case, the third person became a part of the family and a friend to the wife, especially as the husband traveled often. It also helped the dynamics that the third person had a long-distance boyfriend and left for periods of time to visit him.
So three is a good number for housemates, but living with a couple can be problematic. Think carefully before moving into such situation balancing factors such as how you will use the space and what you are expect from a housemate relationship.
What’s your experience of living with two other housemates? Does what I say here ring true?
Check out these articles about avoiding bad housemate situations: Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex with Your Roommate , Red Flags in Interviews (and How to Recognize Them)
I’ve lived with one home mate (male, about the same age) for several years. We’ve developed a deep friendship and have some routines we really like. Others seem to fit in well but have come and gone. I’m aware that our friendship, though not romantic, might be hard for someone new. We’ve discussed it and how to make the other person feel truly welcome. In our correspondence with potential new home mates, we invite them to join us for morning meditation and breakfast, something that’s become a valued tradition when we’re both home at the same time. We also have just decided we’d like to invite anyone new to start or suggest their own ideas for some group time, ie a regular weekly or monthly dinner together, movie night or whatever.
One thing that I’ve found over time living with various 3rd home mates, is having a similar schedule does a lot to make everyone feel more in sync. Those who sleep late may come downstairs to a lively conversation over breakfast and not be awake enough to join in; others who are up late talking on the phone or playing music may be uncomfortable when their noise is keeping others up and they now have to tip toe around.
Thanks for all the great examples and topics Annamarie! Love the replies and stories too!
And Antonio, that’s the point. You aren’t living with two guys, you are living with four people in two couples. And most probably, you didn’t get to choose the two women. This is a good example of when things change. Now the question is what to do.
It does sound like you should talk to your two housemates. Talk to them alone without their girlfriends. Don’t make a demand, but first tell them how you are feeling and ask them what they can do. The high bills are also a problem. You don’t say whose apartment it is, and what agreements you already have. One choice you do have is to find another place to live. That might be your “BATNA” (Best alternative to a negotiated agreement) Keep that idea in your back pocket. Yes, moving is a pain but sometimes it’s less painful than living where you are unhappy.
Good luck!
Hi. I live with two male housemates and my experience is far from the perfect sitcom you mention. In reality I’m a single man who lives with two couples and believe me, it’s one of the levels of hell, for sure. One of the girlfriends goes there 4 days in a week and the other one is actually living there without the landlord’s knowledge. One of these days I had to give a harsh sermon to one of the guys about their loud, VERY LOUD, sex at 2 am in the morning. I usually went in the morning to work with headaches and tired because of waking up at that hour. He and his girlfriend were embarassed and the problem stoped but now I can’t really stand living with them. I live in a very chauvinistic country and some people think that I suffer from sexual envy… But to tell you the truth I think that I live in an umbalanced situation. For example sometimes in the morning I have to wait for one of the girls to leave the bathroom free so that I can use it and go to work on time. The awfully high gas and electricity bills are another problem. I’m thinking of telling the boys to have the girls over there for only two nights a week, but it takes guts to do this and bear the expected bad environment that would generate. What is your opinion about this? Thanks, António
My husband and I lived shared a 2 bedroom, 2 bath with his cousin when we were first married. We did this for 3 years, and it worked great. The cousin was a grad student and often studied late into the night. We gave him the master bedroom. This helped equalize the need for space. It gave him a room big enough for a bed and an office, and it gave us the freedom to use the rest of the house when he needed quiet.
I never thought about how our being a couple tipped the balance of power. Perhaps ceding some of that by giving him the bigger and more private space, helped tip it back.
I’m sure our personalities helped too. We never pulled an us against him, at least that’s my story.