One word. Don’t. Don’t even think of it. Do yourself a favor. Sex with your housemate alters the comfortable, familiar, even familial relationship you had before. Really, sex is like that. There is a reason it is called making love. In reality, there are only two long-term scenarios going forward. One— you live happily ever after as a couple that might as well be married. Two—one of you loses your home.
Is Sex With a Roommate Worth It?
The first scenario does happen. The second is much more common. Yahoo! Answers are full of young women agonizing about how to handle her feelings for the guy after a night…well, you know… They were watching a movie and he starts massaging and well, you know, one thing lead to another. Or they became very close when they both had relationships break up and, well, you know.. . Or they went out drinking, and, well, you know… It’s easy to get caught up in the passion of the moment and to tell yourself, “its just sex.” Better to be wise, put on the brakes and ask yourself, “Is this worth it?”
Changes In A Relationship
The problem for housemates who have sex is that the relationship changes. Having carnal knowledge of each other, they are no longer just housemates. They might become a couple. They might even be a happy couple, for how long? How do they manage it if one person wants to break up? You see? Someone moves out.. But probably not before pain and hurt.
More common is that the relationship between the two who slept together goes wonky pretty quickly. One person’s fling is another person’s crush. Emotions are stirred, expectations created, the relationship is no longer easy and comfortable.
There is a loss of independence and privacy. What happens when one makes plans that doesn’t include the other? When you are upset and angry because you are hurt and you encounter each other in the kitchen? What happens when one goes out on a date? Or worse, brings home a different partner? In other words, someone – maybe both people – get hurt. Eventually, one of the housemates moves out but probably not without some stormy and painful experiences.
Keep it Comfortable
So if you want to keep your home a comfortable place to be, do not get sexually involved with a housemate.
For housemates to live together comfortably, it is good to impose a complete and utter taboo on sex with each other. I call it The Incest Taboo and it is my fourth principle for living with housemates successfully.
Yes, of course, there are exceptions to this rule. It might happen that two people who get to know each other in the daily rhythms of life find themselves falling in love. I heartily suggest a long conversation about what this means to you and how you will manage it before falling into bed. And if you can’t have a heart-to-heart real conversation about life and love, then you don’t have the communication to manage the changed relationship. If you are going to have a love affair, one of you should move out first, then see if the relationship works. I heard of a couple that did this. They met in a group home and started really liking each other. She moved out so that they could date. They are married now.
Do yourself a favor, have an incest taboo. With a firm taboo in place, a housemate relationship can be wonderful, and you can reap all the benefits of a good shared home.
Check out these other articles about navigating difficult home-mate situations: When An Adult Child Needs a Home , The Case of the Leaning Commode
Last Updated on September 26, 2015 by Bob Sherwood
I have been sleeping with my housemate for a few months. We hung out nearly every night during this time. I recently seperated and my ex has been in and out of life. He is obsessive and won’t take no for an answer, and visits frequently. This has caused anguish and guilt for my housemate and he cut things off abruptly. Now he is dating again and brings girls home. It’s really upsetting, I developed feelings for him. Should I tell him or just move out and cut my losses and run?
This is exactly why I recommend NOT sleeping with your housemate. You like the guy? You want to remain friends? If you can, talking with him about what’s going on is a great idea. Of course you developed feelings for him. That’s why it’s called “making love.” Did he for you? Maybe. You dont’ know until you have an honest conversation about what’s going on. I recommend you look at one of the worksheets about managing conflict and read this about how to approach the conversation. If you can’t have a conversation that is clarifying and let’s you comfortably live together as housemates or lovers then yes it’s time to move on. Good luck.
Hey
Am David it’s now 2months since i moved her in has roommate, i pay all house due like any other Man en she does all the other work jst like a wife.
She a good person and God fearing. take care of me like am her husband
She’s single en not seeing any one at the moment.
Is she in love or she’s paying me back.
Are you in love or are you using her? The question goes two ways so I think you should ask her not me. This is why it’s not a good idea to sleep with your housemate. It gets very confusing very quickly. If you really like each other and it all feels good – then you should say so to each other. If not, then you should stop. Let us know what happens?
I am in this situation currently. We instantly had a mental/emotional connection when I moved in a few months back and started having sex about two weeks ago, and it is actually going great so far. I thought about it a lot before jumping into it, sought advice (most telling me not to do it) and decided the experience would be worth it even if there is fallout. We are on a month to month rental so there is less at risk. It is early going but we communicate very well, and if anything it is more comfortable in the house because all the sexual tension that was there before has dissipated.
I know there are a lot of negative experiences out there, but I think it should be judged on a case by case basis, and of course leases and rental agreements need to be considered. But if you can communicate well with someone and both feel a genuine connection it can be a lot of fun and really good, convenient sex. Even if it ends poorly, isn’t life about having experiences and taking risks and seeing where they take you? What if you pass up meeting a future life partner because some potential consequences might be unpleasant?
Will you check in with me in six months? I’m sure it feels and is good now. Are you an item? Do you introduce each other to each other’s friends? Life is certainly about having experiences. Experiences can lead to fights, anger, jealousy, and being very unhappy too. I guess that’s all part of growing up. The problem is what happens when it goes sour? How will you feel if she brings a new guy home? Hmmmm? Which of you will lose your home? Won’t go sour? I hope you both much happiness and have my fingers crossed.
I might be one of the few who slept with my roommate and didn’t have any actual lasting problems. I met a girl through a mutual friend at a dinner party, we were celebrating her friend’s graduation and we connected the same night, it was very easy for us to talk to each other. A couple weeks later we moved in to a 2 bedroom apartment together and split the bills 50/50, we lived with each other for about a month before we decided to sleep together, the first time it was just sleeping because she had a little bit to drink and I will never do anything when alcohol is involved, but that same week ended up sleeping together again and made love, however we did not go all the way we did other things. It’s definitely true that our relationship changed, not in a bad way, but I did have feelings for her. The dilemma started when she told me she wanted to have kids right away and get married if we continued the relationship, I wanted to take it slow and wait for a few years before having kids, we couldn’t seem to make a compromise so we decided to wait til our lease was over and we would find another place. We sold the furniture in the living room and dining room and split the money and I let her keep the TV etc.
Now I live with my cousin who ironically is also a girl but that will never happen for obvious reasons. Of course I do wonder what it would’ve been like if my roommate and I were able to continue but I think not going all the way prevented any lasting damage. we’ve talked a couple times over facebook and She seems to be doing okay.
Thanks for your story. It would be interesting to know how she feels about it all now. I’m curious to know how long you lived together after agreeing that you weren’t going to be heading for a long-term relationship and how you managed.
I am lesbian and am living with female housemates. So at present I am struggling to fight what I’m beginning to feel for one of them. But it’s making me go crazy and affecting other aspects of my life and I am really tempted now to tell her I like her. But I haven’t yet…I’m about to go out of my mind for keeping this all in. What should I do…
It’s so hard to know isn’t it? Does she have feelings for you? Is she also a lesbian? What would be the worst thing that could happen if you told her? Do you have a crush because she’s nearby? Do you have a confidential friend outside of the house you could confide in? Sometimes hearing ourselves helps release some of the pressure. I wish I could be more help… Find someone you can actually TALK to. Whom you trust. That’s my best advice.
I have had sex with my room mate before but I ended up moving to a new apartment. I fell in love with her, she just wants to get me in bed and has a partner. It ruined our friendship. We end up fighting all the time. It’s terrible in my case.
I’m sorry for your pain. So sad. Sorry you lost a friend too.
I totally agree. I always regarded all of my roommates as brothers or sisters. Some of them were even at my wedding last year, we still keep in touch. I was lucky enough to have never gone down THAT road, but know others who have. Yes, it might end well…but for the people I knew, it never, ever did. Your home is meant to be your refuge, somewhere you go to seek shelter from your issues – and here’s where I agree with you re. the incest taboo – it is also a place where you go to seek the support of your family. Breaking up with your roommate is akin to getting a divorce, emotionally speaking. Then there’s the dividing up of the stuff, taking your CDs, books, cutlery, the person still living there won’t walk in and see that familiar painting on the wall anymore….that’s got to hurt!
Yup – it’s all just too bad. The people we live with are like family. The incest taboo keeps everyone safe.
I recently got involved sexually with one of my male roommates. Come to find out he was Schizophrenic and Bipolar. I told him at the beginning that all I wanted was mutual sex. He said he understood, but then as it progressed asked me when ” I was going to let him in”. Well, against my better judgement, I did let him in emotionally. He told the Landlord that we were having sex!!! When problems started to arise and I had to move because the landlord was using what he said against me and harassing me, I asked him if we were still going to see each other. He said ” No, you have too many problems.” Man that really hurt bad. Now I have moved from there and am left with a broken heart and feel like a fool.
That all sounds awful! And you prove my point. The problem with sleeping with your housemate is that if things go bad you lose your home. I’m so sorry you had to learn that way.