Since I grew up in a big family, I consider shared housing to be the norm. I am one of four kids, and between our parents, a beagle-mutt, and frequent visitors, our house was usually full of people. Being “home alone” was a rare treat.
Besides my immediate family, I also have a big network of aunts, uncles and cousins. Last month I took a week off from work to join my family for our annual beach vacation, on a South Carolina island near where my paternal grandmother was born. This yearly vacation, passed down through several generations, acts as a type of family reunion and is a tradition I’m grateful to have inherited.
Vacation means a lot of things: relaxation, time outdoors, good food, time spent with loved ones. It’s also a time that makes me reflect on the realities of shared living, as I shared a moderately-sized rental house with six adult family members and my energetic six year old nephew. We also had dozens of extended family members staying in their own rental homes a few doors down.
I was reminded of some of the fundamentals of shared housing that apply far beyond vacation.
Communication Is Everything
“Who made this coffee? Can I have some?”
“Is the dishwasher clean or dirty?”
“Whose clean laundry is in the dryer? Can I put it in a basket?”
Questions like this echoed from room to room all week long.
In my experience, a household that you live in full-time doesn’t require such constant communication. Long-term housemates adhere to agreed-upon house rules and often maintain predictable routines, making it unnecessary to double-check with one another constantly.
But, communication is important in any shared situation. No matter how long you have been living with your housemates, it is good to never make assumptions. If you are unsure how your actions might affect another household member, just ask. It’s best to double-check whenever you do something out of the ordinary or unexpected that your housemate might have a problem with.
Keep up with Cleaning
Our rental house was spic and span when the vacation began, thanks to a professional cleaning crew (just one of the many things that makes vacation a treat!)
But, grime and dust (or in this case, sand) inevitably accumulate. A quick sweep of the floors, a cursory Lysol spray and paper towel wipedown of the toilets and shower can make the difference between gross and grimy and clean and pleasant.
The one thing that accumulated quickly, without fail, was the dishes. After nightly family dinners whoever had not done the cooking pitched in to load and run the dishwasher.
It’s all temporary
With so many people under one roof, little annoyances are bound to happen. Someone leaves empty popsicle boxes in the freezer (we suspect the six-year-old culprit), everyone talks over one another at once trying to get their opinion heard. Who left dishes in the sink even though the dishwasher is empty? But, we knew it was only for a week, which made it easy to laugh off the small stuff.
It reminded me that, in my “real life,” minor household annoyances also come and go. One housemate is talking on the phone loudly while I am trying to read, while another forgot to replace the paper towel roll. Things like this are trivial, and quickly forgotten. I chose my housemates because they are kind, considerate people that I respect and that are both responsible and pleasant to be around. That foundation is more important than any fleeting frustration.
Carve out your own space
Even in a busy house, there is always a quiet corner. At the beach house, my brother in law fished off the back dock, while my mother and sister prefered relaxing in the air conditioned TV room. Dad and I often sat on the back screen porch to read.
Boundaries matter (But don’t let them become walls)
At the beach with so many relatives, there is a general “open door” policy. Stop by any time! We would love to visit.
But, it’s important to set limits when needed.
“Hey! It’s nap time, can you stop by later?”
“Hey, it’s been so fun to chat, but it’s my bedtime. See you tomorrow!”
Being straightforward isn’t rude–it’s respectful, and essential for healthy relationships.
The vacation was a good reminder to me to “relax” a little bit in my real life, too–invite friends over, engage regularly with my housemates, not just default to solitude. It’s possible to be open and welcoming while still maintaining boundaries around your personal time.
Shared Housing Can Feel Like Vacation (Really!)
I’ve written before about shared housing and how vacation can be a helpful model for thinking about it.
If you’ve ever shared a beach house or hotel room with friends—even way back in college—you’ve probably gotten a taste of what close-knit shared living can feel like. Those experiences, if they were positive, can help you envision a fulfilling, relaxed, and fun living arrangement.
Of course, not everyone has had great shared housing experiences. Bad roommates tend to leave a lasting impression. But with the right people—housemates chosen with care, mutual respect, and clear expectations—shared housing can be just as rewarding as a good vacation!
Like this post? Here’s another reflection on whether vacationing is a good test of a housemate.
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Thanks for reading, Gary!