A Place of My Own
The only time I’ve ever lived alone was when I was 21 years old, shortly after graduating from college. Unsure of “what to do with my life,” I moved back to my hometown and began working full-time at a local sandwich shop. My hourly wages were enough for me to cover the rent on a one-bedroom apartment, so after staying briefly with my parents for convenience I moved out. A place of my own was the next logical next step toward becoming a full-fledged adult and being “out on my own.”
I liked the apartment
It occupied the lower front half of a gigantic historic ‘rowhome,’ one of many that line the centuries-old brick sidewalks of a quaint downtown. What had once been a single large house divided up into multiple units gave my apartment a quirky charm: big bay windows with fold-up shutters, a pocket door separating the bedroom from the main kitchen/living area, and sloped ceilings in the tiny bathroom. There was no air conditioning or washer-dryer, but it was within walking distance of my job, the bank, a grocery store, and the car dealership where I delivered a rent check each month to my landlord, a local businessman who owned both the dealership and several rental properties.
I liked the apartment, but…
I also felt depressed. Post-graduation was a big period of transition. My lack of life experience and clear direction left me feeling adrift and overwhelmed. Adult life felt incredibly lonely compared to the intensely social experience of college. I had really enjoyed living in the college dormitory, where I could wander down the hall whenever I was bored and join whatever meal, discussion or board game was unfolding in the common room.
Slowly, I began adjusting to a life where all of my friends weren’t living just a few doors away. I got involved with the local yoga community, which provided a social outlet beyond my workplace. I also purchased a futon for the front room of my apartment, positioning it behind a tall bookshelf to create a sense of privacy for overnight guests.
The only overnight guest I wound up regularly hosting was my younger brother, then a high school senior living with our parents just a couple of miles away. Eager for some independence from our childhood home, he slept on my futon most weekends and became a sort of part-time roommate. Eventually, I gave him a spare key in exchange for his agreeing to contribute to utility and grocery costs.
I still spent time at my parent’s house–sometimes for family events, sometimes simply to do laundry. There was a laundromat a couple of blocks from my apartment, but, y’know, there weren’t any home-cooked meals there. Maybe I’m simply wired for shared living–I grew up in a big family, with two older sisters in addition to my brother. I never knew what it was like to live in a quiet household.
Nowadays, many things are different
For one, rent prices have gone way up. The apartment I once paid $750 a month for now rents for nearly twice as much. I doubt someone working an hourly restaurant job could afford the rent all by themselves as I once did.
Something else that’s changed is my capacity for alone time. Now that I am in my 30’s, I suspect that I would rather enjoy having my own apartment–decorating everything exactly the way I like it, having an entire refrigerator to myself, using every pan in the kitchen to cook dinner and not having to clean up after myself immediately afterward.
As soon as I start fantasizing about a fabulous solo apartment, however…
I remember that I am happier and that life is better when I live with other people. My cost of living is lower, and small logistical things are less stressful. If I go out of town, I don’t have to worry about who will collect my mail. If I forget something essential at the store, I can text my housemate to grab it on their way home. I also feel safer knowing that someone I trust is under the same roof, and will notice or be able to help me if I am sick or in distress.
The increased socialization that comes with shared living matters, too. As much as I value alone time, I know that too much of it is not healthy for me. I begin to feel isolated, anxious, and kind of depressed. Remembering how I felt as a 21-year-old, sitting in a one-bedroom apartment and disliking the heavy silence reminds me of the tradeoff.
Ways to have Shared Housing
I share my story in the hopes that it might encourage someone else, or spark an idea or two. To anyone out there who is new to shared housing, and entering into it with trepidation, I definitely understand. I love having my own space, too. And yet, all of the benefits of shared living outweigh any downsides.
Also, there are ways to do shared living besides having a full-time housemate. Maybe there’s someone out there who could use your extra space just some of the time, as was the case with me and my brother. An airline employee, a commuter, or just someone with a schedule opposite to yours. While they work in the evenings, you get the apartment to yourself, and while you work during the day they have full run of the house.
Living with others has made my adult life feel fuller, lighter, and less lonely. Since the end of that yearlong lease that I signed as a 21-year-old, I have never lived alone again. If you’re feeling lonely living alone, you’re not imagining it — and you’re not alone in that feeling.”
I am thinking about getting into house sharing. I will be 65 years old in two weeks. I have a home, but I want to purchase another one for this purpose. The house that I am living in needs a lot of work. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone coming into a situation such as this. I just want a new start. I want to sell this one and start over.
Thank you for the comment – You’ve come to the right place, if you are aspiring to share your home. I would suggest signing up for the newsletter if you haven’t already – on the bottom of the https://sharinghousing.com/ homepage. That’s the best way to stay informed about the free group Q&A sessions that Annamarie hosts each month. There is also a Facebook group (https://www.facebook.com/groups/hellohomemate/discussion/preview) called ‘Hello Home-mate’ where you can connect with others who are looking to share housing. Both resources might give you some ideas and/or allow you to connect with others who could offer advice on how to fix up/sell your current home and get started with sharing.
I’m 60, dress, laugh and do things like I’m 30, giggle like I’m 5 and have the wisdom of an ancient. I was in long-term relationships and marriage for the better part of my entire adult life, beginning in my early teen years. I then moved to FL on my own in 2003, and had to find a roommate for my apartment, because the job I’d moved there for didn’t pan out. After a year of being strictly roommates, we ended up in my worst fear (a relationship). Why fear? Because I needed a roommate/house share, I didn’t need a relationship. After a year or so of that relationship, once it ended, out he went and there I was having to manage the high rent and other things on my own again. My Mother (RIP) used to snowbird each winter so I was thrilled half the year and tried to keep myself busy through the other halves of the years.
Time went on and on and on, I moved, still in FL and I ended up living on my own from my late 40’s until now. It wasn’t until a few years before I left FL that all of my long-term (over a decade) friends nearby or within my community itself had moved. The new people who replaced them were lovely but didn’t speak English, hard to make close friendships that way, still they were lovely – yet still, loneliness began to sink in.
Far too long a story later, and definitely not for this comment or site, I ended up having a lifelong friend convince me to move near them in OH, they were the closest thing I had to family left, we were pretty much a frick and frack comedy hour and we trusted each other to no end. That is until 6 days before my move and the same day the movers had already taken my things to Ohio. For reasons still not fully known to me, after 51 years of family like best friends, we stopped speaking, it ended in a big bang, but the movers had already taken my things, I had already purchased a home in Ohio, I knew no one else in Ohio, and anxiety began to set in more and more.
I’m now a few months short of 2 years here now and while I am truly set in my ways and do love living on my own, having my own space, the lack of the companionship of a housemate (strictly platonic), lack of a friend under the same roof, someone I know has my back, and me theirs, someone who can help with my elderly animals if I get tied up out of the house, the lack of which has been causing me not to leave the house (concern about those things), someone, who while in reality it is my home, would consider it their home too and share in ideas about flowers in the Spring, might want to get out and do a few things together, etc., a “Golden Girls” type of situation if you’re old enough to remember that show – I’m not that old (as they were lol), but old enough to remember the show. For me that would be ideal.
As much as living alone and doing things your way has its benefits, living alone in a place you’re not originally from, don’t know well, went from decades of a one story to a now two story home (too much empty airspace, too much cleaning for one person, too much everything for one person). Sure, there’s a few things that would have to be given up, 100% privacy, accommodations, etc., but if the fit/personality and lifestyle, was right – the right energy, I think it would be a lifeline for me.
I don’t think age or finances are the only thing that have to do with this, look at the story of the person who wrote this, half my age – yes, absolutely financially in today’s world it would be a lifesaver as well, but it’s the isolation. I live in a connected row Townhome community with a few streets within it, and most, I’d say at least 90% are families or married couples. I don’t like the feeling, it makes me anxious and lonely, the exact feelings I was trying to get away from in FL those last few years, but it’s worse here, because in FL the Condos were more building type and we saw our neighbors far more often.
With the rising prices of everything, literally everything, being unmarried at age 60, with now elderly animals *sad* – in a place I’d never lived before, even though I’m here nearly 2 years now, without family nearby (or on Earth), it’s not the life I looked forward to, or was ever comfortable in. I think The Golden Girls had it 100% right. They shared bills, shopping, cooking, everything, were there for each other and ended up as close as family. With the world in the state it’s in, and human beings not built for isolation, I think, know I know, that life would be not only a lot more manageable financially, but emotionally and peace wise, even fun wise, with the right fit of a house share. I have the house, now I just have to find the right Golden Girl. :-)
There’s so many things (unlike my younger years) to take into consideration now – background checks, do they like/love animals, music taste, all things that would take place under the same roof. For instance, I don’t do religion(s) at all, as in AT ALL, but I’m IMMENSELY spiritually (crystals, stones, chakra wands, white feathers, singing bowls, levitating moons, musical instruments, etc., would someone who didn’t like that or even get it be a good fit, very likely not). My music taste is extremely electric, minus hard rap, heavy metal or opera, and I tend to have music playing most of the day (I’m home often, retired so to speak), and even get into the Rat Pack, 20’s, 30’s, 40’s 50’s – current music, including being known for blasting some old Broadway musical music in the summer and just having a great time – would someone with completely different taste in music or who loves silence all the time be a good fit? Likely not. Then there’s my elderly animals who’ve been with me since they were born and are now 10 and 11, and my huge love for wildlife, birds, trees and nature – would someone who didn’t love cats and dogs be a good fit, definitely not – would someone who didn’t care about wildlife or trees, nature itself? Likely not. From eating style to all else, where do you start without sounding like the list of must haves or must have nots is too long?
I think I’ll end on that note – from all I’ve written and ending in, from eating style to all else, where do you start without sounding like the list of must haves or must have nots is too long?
Isolated and lonely – would love a Golden Girl who’s a hippie chick like me to homeshare my home with.
Ohio Lone-bird
Thanks for your comment, Kimberly. If you are considering shared housing, you have come to the right place!
I would recommend you sign up for the Sharing Housing newsletter, on the home page of the website. That way you’ll get emails and information about the FREE Q&A sessions which Annamarie holds every month.
Another great resource is the book Sharing Housing: A Guidebook for Finding and Keeping Good Housemates