We Are All Neighbors

Does Living in Proximity to Others have to be challenging?

Neighborhood conflicts and disputes can be a fascinating source of interpersonal drama. Every time I hear or read about someone tossing errant leaves back into the next-door yard (“it’s not my tree that dropped them in the first place!”), plotting revenge on a dog that never stops barking, or waging an all-out battle over street parking spaces, I find myself wondering: why does it have to be so difficult to share space? Can’t we all just get along?

If you’ve ever been annoyed by a neighbor’s noise, trash can placement, failure to pick up after their pet, or any number of other everyday grievances, you may have asked yourself this same question.

Interestingly, conflict is often easier to prevent when people live under the same roof. For one thing, we can carefully and deliberately choose our housemates. When you purchase a home, however, you don’t typically get to hand-pick your neighbors.

Housemates are also easier to humanize because we interact with them face-to-face almost every day. When all we see is a problem–a barking dog, loud music, or an overgrown yard–it becomes much easier for resentment to grow and much harder to see the person behind the behavior.

One of my favorite resources on the National Public Radio (NPR) website is a series called Life Kit. While NPR is best known for its news coverage, Life Kit breaks down life topics that most of us deal with–everything from budgeting, to pedestrian safety, to maintaining a clean home, to mental health and interpersonal conflict–into practical, actionable advice.

Several episodes on neighbor-to-neighbor conflict contain insights that I thought could apply just as well to conflict between housemates.

Assume good intent

Even if another person’s behavior seems completely unreasonable and disruptive (say, playing loud music at 3am), they may truly not realize that their behavior is bothersome until someone else brings it up.

Instead of approaching the other person when you feel angry, wait until you are calm enough to bring empathy, kindness and curiosity into the conversation.

Address Conflict while the stakes are low–in other words, “do it while it is easy,” instead of letting resentment and anger build.

Be curious about yourself—why exactly is some behavior or action of the other person bothering you? Try to enter the conversation with your own viewpoint, but without being rigidly fixed on a particular outcome.

Instead of focusing solely on the conflict itself…

Consider the needs and values underlying it–one example from Life Kit involves a tree that drops pinecones into a neighboring yard. One neighbor values nature, while the other values a clean lawn. Is there room for compromise?

The same principle applies within a shared household. Perhaps one housemate values a spotless kitchen, while another values delicious, elaborate meals. The cook may spend hours preparing food, using numerous dishes and covering countertops with ingredients. The resulting tension isn’t just about dirty dishes–it’s about two different priorities sharing the same space. The key word here is “share”–is there a way that both values can be honored? Maybe the housemates can agree to three days a week devoted to cooking, with Sundays being the day to do extra cleaning of the kitchen sink, floor, and appliances. Framing a problem in terms of values and priorities also depersonalizes it–no one person is causing the problem.

Talk Face-to-Face, Not Through Notes

It can be hard to convey a particular tone when you write something down. Even something as benign as “hey can we talk later?” can spark a lot of anxiety. This has happened to me before–I got a text in the middle of the day from a housemate: ‘hey will you be around this evening? I need to talk to you about something’ and all it did was make me imagine what worst-case problem could be occurring with me, him, or the house. The “something” ended up being that the kitchen faucet was going to be replaced over the weekend. A completely normal issue that wasn’t worth stressing out about.

If you and your housemates are all busy with mismatching schedules, it can be hard to find a time to talk in-person. So, sometimes it might be necessary to leave a note, whether it be handwritten or over text or email. But make sure the note doesn’t replace face-to-face interaction.

Be proactive

In the case of being a good neighbor, that would mean introducing yourself to the people that live on your block, or even (like an example given in this episode) writing out your name and contact information on cards to give to your neighbors in case they need to contact you.

Being proactive about your housemates is what we teach here at Sharing Housing–how to know yourself and what you want in a shared household, and then to go out and seek people who live the same way that you do.

We are all neighbors–some of us just live closer together. We share walls and countertops and staircases, not just fencelines. At the end of the day, I think we all want to live peacefully, and maintain good relations with those that live in close proximity to us.

Here’s another post on the topic: Turning Down the Heat on Housemate Conflicts.